Finding My Way Back

I can't believe that I have gone so long without checking in - not that anyone would notice that I haven't, but that isn't the point. The truth is, I've been quiet on my favourite social media account too (instagram encase you were wondering), I seem to have just fallen out of love with everything online. Blogging for me always used to be something I enjoyed, it wasn't about other people, readers or views. It was an outlet for me, a safe space to blurt out everything that I needed to, but somewhere along the line, things have changed. There is this unwavering pressure to be a certain way or post a certain thing. All of a sudden there is so much more judgment floating around, whatever happened to 'if you have nothing nice to say, then say nothing at all'. I found myself becoming incresinly frustrated, and feeling even more lost than I've ever felt, kind of like I had lost my voice.

The thing is, I get that most people feel a little lost in themselves and quite overwhelmed, but I'm not sure how I go forward from here. I've debated quitting my blog, going private, and all of the in-between but none of it really feels right. I don't want my online space to fade away, I want to share my memories of the girls, but I think I need to reevaluate. I feel as if I don't really have a place to be, a place to fit in and that sucks. I have so much to be incredibly grateful for, such as two happy, healthy girls, but there is still this empty pit in my stomach. Full of tension and worry, as if I'm not doing enough, or I'm missing something.

I tend to get completely wrapped up in my role as a mother, preschool, lunch-boxes, housework, and laundry. Home cooking, and toddler classes. The pressure to make more of an effort with play dates as I'm completely useless in social situations and my girls have such a better set of social skills than I do - even Isabelle and shes 10 months old. I put so much pressure on myself as a mother, to be the best I can for my girls, and to push myself out of this little box my anxiety tries to keep me in.

I guess I'm just kind of forgetting about myself, I put so much pressure on myself to be the best mama to my girls. To give them everything that I never had and all that they could possibly want that I forget about me. I forget how far I've come, the steps I've taken to become the person I am today, and just how dark my world used to be. That combined with social media and seeing everyone elses positive moments, makes thing a little hard. I want to be positive and focus on the good but I just find it really hard. I'm not one of those people who naturally see's the good in things, I'm more of a glass half empty girl. I would like to say I'm realistic, but I'm not - I'm a complete worrier, an overthinker and I have to double-triple check everything.

Over the last couple of months, I've really pushed myself. I've taken the girls to baby toddler groups that I have never been to before. Emily started preschool, and although I absolutely hate that she isn't with me, and I really miss her, I set my feelings aside and put her first. She has been doing absolutely amazingly, by the way, just like I knew she would. I've also been making more of an effort to leave the housework and spend time with Isabelle when Emily is at preschool. It's nice to have one on one time with her, and be able to do messy activities without her being pushed out by her big sister trying to get her to do it this way or that. I gave her a bath the other day, while Emily was at preschool - just the two of us, and I got to soak up all the little giggles and it was really nice to get to spend quality time with her.

I've also been trying to stop hating on me and my body so much. It doesn't matter how much weight I lose I still see myself as three times bigger than I actually am. I pick out my flaws, and faults but the truth is, no one else sees them, and most importantly when the girls look back at pictures of them growing up, they will just see their mama. I want there to be pictures of me with them, I want them to know I was there, making memories an and doing the fun things we did as a family.

I guess what I'm trying to say, is I am slowly finding my way back...

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