Mothers Day [Ordinary Days]

Mothers day is a bit of a mixed bag of emotions for me. While I'm so thankful for my two lovely little perfect rainbows, I'm also left with a pang of guilt for our babies that are not here with us. Also, the disappointment that my relationship with my mother isn't the way it should be - but that's a whole other topic of conversation.

This year was my first mothers day as a mama of two. Guess what I received for mothers day, two lovely cards, and a sleepless night. My poor baby got struck down with a cold, and I spent the whole night cuddling her, trying to calm her down, and get her back off to sleep with little to no luck. It's just the worst when they are poorly, isn't it? but I'm thankful for the snuggles because before I know it she'll be all grown up and too big to want to cuddle her mama.

Before I get judged, I'm by no means complaining, I actually felt pretty flattered that Isabelle was content to lay with me, and be settled by me. You see she is a complete daddy's girl - and to know that she took comfort from me meant the absolute world. I've previously written on here before that bonding with her didn't go the way I thought it would, but I feel like we are finally starting to come out of the other side. I feel like I'm finally starting to have a connection with my smallest, that I am more than just being an advocate for her. The more her personality grows and develops, the more I feel like I'm connecting with her, and that I am so thankful for.

Emily had a typical threenager approach to mothers day, she wasn't all that interested in it. When asked at her little group session if she wanted to make a card for mummy for mothers day, like all of the other boys and girls, her response was just 'no, I'm fine'. Bless the staff's heart they persevered, but they didn't manage to get my little strong-willed girl to agree. She ended up declaring 'I'm not doing it, daddy is my favourite, not mama'. Then off she went to play - I guess that was me told. While most people thought that I would be hurt by the fact she didn't want to make me a card, I'm really not. I'm proud of her, proud that she feels comfortable enough in her own skin to say no, when she doesn't want to do something. Proud that she won't follow a crowd and ultimately does what she wants to do. I'm sure she is going to be trouble when she is a teenager.

We had a lovely mothers day overall, we spent the day at Sam's nans, with his mum and nan. The girls played with there grandparents, got to watch a movie, and we had a lovely dinner together. For the first time, Isabelle actually sat at the table, with the rest of her family, rather than napping through dinner - which just made my heart melt. She, of course, sits at the table at home, but she sits the opposite end of the table to Emily. At Nanny's house, they get to sit next to each other, and Isabelle was delighted to sit next to her big sister, they held hands most of the way through dinner, it was the sweetest thing and it made me so glad, and thankful that we got to give Emily a sibling. Of course, Isabelle did try and sneak a few of Emily's beans, Emily quickly noticed and moved her plate away. They also did have a little tug of war over a spoon, but hey, they are sisters - it's to be expected.

It wasn't till the girls were in bed that it actually dawned on me, just how far I have come since I became a mother. It hasn't been the smoothest ride for me, and there are still plenty of ups and downs to come in the future, for that I am sure. But, I am still here. I’m still parenting, Although I haven’t completely kicked PND to the curb, I’m facing it head on and acknowledging the times where I’m struggling. Even thought it’s been hard, I'm grateful that we decided to become parents because I truly believe becoming Emily's mama - then Isabelle's has shaped me, changed me, and made me grow as a person.

It's taught me patience, true happiness, and empathy. It's shown me that I'm far more stubborn than I originally thought, and I'm fiercely independent. Most of all, it has taught me, that sometimes it's ok to not be ok. Sometimes it's ok just to get through the day, and enjoy the little moments. There is no harsher critic than myself, and even if I have to be the ‘bad guy’ with the girls, they won’t hold it against me, and will have likely forgot within ten minutes. The hardest lesson that I’ve had to learn is that there is ultimately no right, or wrong way to parent. There are no rules, or guidelines. Everyone is going to have an opinion on the way you parent, and that’s absolutely fine because once you come to realise that, you’ll soon realise you don’t give a stuff what other people think, you trust your own instincts and know your doing the best for your family.

This mothers day I also feel particularly blessed to be surrounded by some amazing mothers, who are inspiring, thoughtful, and always have the time to be there for me. Women that I will never take for granted, that always think of me and are such a positive influence on both mine and the girl's lives.

So to my Grandma, thank you for being everything I need you to be. Thank you for always being there for my girls, and turning up unannounced to use the crusts of my bread as toast at silly o'clock in the morning - one day you'll realise that just because I'm a parent now, does not mean I'm suddenly a morning person. Your one of a kind and I'm so thankful that I have you in my life - even if we do disagree more than we agree, and you drive me mad sometimes.

To Jennie, thank you for being my soundboard when I needed one, the person who always listens and tries to steer me in the right direction. For being a positive influence in my life, and showing me that you can do it all if you believe in yourself enough. For spoiling my girlies, and treating them as if they were your own.

To Carla, thank you for listening to me complain while I was pregnant with Isabelle and understanding me completely. For the endless chats, and coming round when I feel like going out is just too much. For understanding that sometimes just getting by is good enough. Most importantly, thank you for being a friend I can count on, no matter what time of day.

Lastly, to my Auntie Sharon. Thank you for never forgetting my girls, or me. Thank you for being there at the end of the phone when I'm in floods of tears, to listen and give me the best advice you can. Thank you for being my friend, and not just my auntie.

Happy Mothers Day.

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