40 Weeks Pregnant [Baby Number 2]

This week has been a bag of mixed emotions. I turned 40 weeks, something I never thought would happen, especially with all the false starts and preterm labour problems. Another part of me is kind of relieved that we made it this far, it's given our baby girl extra time to grow - god knows I carry around a great deal of mum guilt for the fact I lost 3.5 stone during this pregnancy which had a knock on effect on her growth. Despite the terribly hot weather (I may be a summer baby, but I'm definitely not a fan of the heat) has been making me feel sick and be sick, I have been keeping to the recommended high-calorie diet, and trying to give her that little extra push to gain weight. 
40 weeks brought my long awaited consultant appointment, the final growth scan of the pregnancy and then the consultant meeting after to put in plan a place. Although that didn't happen. I went to the appointment full of hope that we would soon know what was going to happen now that I was overdue - as my mental health really does suffer while I am overdue. I can't cope with the uncertainty or not have a plan of action just encase. Well, I left the appointment feeling down, deflated and depressed. I cried my eyes out as soon as I saw Sam, and the tears didn't stop falling. My usual consultant got called away from these things just happen sometimes, and I saw a different person I had never seen before. He made me feel as if I was a tiny ant that had just been stomped on. The way he spoke to me about depression and anxiety wasn't nice at all, he said that if I was worried about having depression and anxiety again in this pregnancy, then I shouldn't have bothered getting pregnant. Another concern I had was bonding, I'm so worried about bonding with the baby as I really struggled with Emily. He asked if I planned on breastfeeding and after saying no, for personal reasons. He said that I should expect problems bonding with the baby as I'm choosing not to breastfeed - although there are very personal reasons as to why I can't and won't do it.

Now I'm left feeling like the worlds worst mother, and there is no plan in place, he's just happy to let me go overdue and mess all the other previous plans I had made with my consultant up. 

I'm feeling super tired, and I can't seem to get comfortable or settle, I guess the hot weather really isn't helping. I just really hope that my baby girl arrives soon. I was staying awake at night with my bump buddy, Kira. It was nice to have someone to talk to and keep me company, but she had her little girl now - so I'm pretty sure that she isn't going to be up for staying awake with me. 

I can't sleep still, it's too hot and I'm far too anxious.

Baby girl is still moving and wriggling away happily.

Food cravings
Ice pops and cherry tomatoes


Highlight of the week
I don't really have one this week, apart from feeling baby girl kick lots (which I have found reassuring) it's been a bit of a down week.

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