I Am A Mama Of Six #WeAreAllMums

This mothers day, Tommy's have launched a campaign, #WeAreAllMums. A campaign I feel strongly about getting involved in, as it is a charity so close to my heart. Tommy's is a charity that finds research into baby loss and pregnancy problems. They are running this campaign to raise awareness that even if a baby is born too soon, sleeping or miscarried, you are still a mum. 

Mother's day is fast approaching, a day I equally love and hate. While I feel so lucky to have a healthy happy toddler who shouts 'Mammmaaaaaa' a gazillion times a day, and another healthy little girl growing inside me. I always feel sad, like a part of me is missing, and it doesn't quite feel right celebrating. I think about the babies I lost, would they have been girls too? I personally can't imagine my life with 6 girls, but I am sure it would have been lots of fun, or would we have had a boy? Who knows. There are so many unanswered questions.

Did you know, 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage? 

That is a statistic that always shocks me. I'm a mama of 6. 6 pregnancies. 4 miscarriages. 1 rainbow baby. 1 growing rainbow baby.

I have a healthy happy child I can cuddle, and squish and physically see. I have a baby in my stomach who I can feel kick and move. Although I'm terrified of being pregnant, I know how lucky I am. I am often told 'Well, at least you have her'. Yes, I love my daughter more than I could ever explain, she is perfect, happy, healthy and everything I dreamed she would be, but it doesn't make the losses any easier. I am fully aware that the pain of other women who may never carry a child must be greater than mine, but it doesn't mean that I'm not hurting. Having had a healthy baby made the 4th miscarriage harder than the previous 3. I knew what I had lost. I knew the moments I was going to miss. The 12 week scan, 20 week scan, picking a name, holding them for the first time and feeling that unbreakable bond. I guess that is why it was always harder to talk about after I had Emily. It wasn't that I didn't want to talk about the 4th miscarriage, but I just didn't know how. 

In my opinion, miscarriage, is one of the loneliest kinds of grief, how do you process a loss? I've lost dear friends and close family over the years. When a friend or family member dies, you can seek comfort and company in other mourners. Share stories of their life, and talk about them. Miscarriage is a entirely different ball game - it is a private grief. There was Sam and I in it together, trying to process the loss of another baby, a sibling for our daughter. There is no body to see, or lay to rest, so how can I grieve? Of course you find a way through, but it doesn't make it easier. Each loss feels harder to come to terms with.

When we found out we were expecting again after having Emily (4th pregnancy) I was so excited, I was in this little happiness bubble. I had a healthy baby, I carried her full term, and she is just perfect. I didn't think I would experience another loss. In my mind I felt like that chapter of my life was over. It wasn't though, I remember the fear I felt when the cramping started, going to the toilet and being so scared to look encase I saw blood. I was crushed. I felt so guilty. Why couldn't I carry another baby, I had done it once? Why couldn't I give my little girl a baby sister, or brother that she wanted so desperately. What on earth was I doing wrong?

The thing is, no one can answer those questions for you, its just 'one of those things'. A saying I hate almost as much as 'don't worry, you can try again'. I feel like that miscarriage broke me more than others, because everytime I looked at Emily, I felt guilty. I wanted so badly to make her a big sister, but my body failed me, again. It was at that point I came to the decision that I wouldn't do it again, I didn't want to be pregnant ever again, and I was done. I didn't want to hurt anymore. It just so happened we fell pregnant with Baby E, the first cycle after our miscarriage. I was in denial for such a long time, I had a six week scan, a eight week scan, and then a twelve week scan. Even then I felt although I couldn't breathe.

I didn't want to share my pregnancy, because I was so terrified of loosing Baby E. It took me until we were 16 weeks pregnant before I even shared the pregnancy on my blog, a place where I document everything. What should be happy news, feels so terrifying to me. Even now at 26 weeks pregnant I feel like I can't relax, and I don't think I will until she is here. Miscarriage changes you, and the way you think about things.

So, although I never got to hold four of my babies, meet them, or shower them with love. They are still my babies. I don't miss or think about them any less. From the moment I got a positive pregnancy test, I had a instant love.  Yes I have two healthy rainbow babies - but I am a mama of six. All equally loved, wanted and mine. So, while you are celebrating mothers day this year, give a thought for those mother's who can't celebrate the way they want to, because lets be honest. Motherhood is hard, and #WeAreAllMums.

1 comment

  1. Sorry to hear about your miscarriages Steph, and I totally get your feelings of guilt that you might not be able to provide a sibling for Emily too - as that wasn't always a given for me either. It's great that we are beginning to talk about this kind of grief more though - as I think it's something that's been hidden for too long. #WeAreAllMums


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