A Letter To My Daughter About Becoming A Big Sister

Little E,

The past few months have been tough for you, while I have watched your excitement grow as you learn more about your baby sissy. There are a few things I want you to know, I’m sorry I haven’t been the best mama I could be. I know you don’t really understand why mama is so poorly, or why I can’t play with you as much as I want to, but know if I could I would. While I know giving you a sibling to grow up with is one of the greatest things me and your daddy could give you. It’s been hard, and quite honestly if I knew I would suffer this much with the sickness, or just how much it would disrupt our normal routine. I would have perhaps delayed it. Even though we planned this, I didn’t think it would be this hard, and I feel so guilty for being so poorly.

I’m sorry the HG has disrupted our routine, and our normal day to day life. I felt like I was given this impossible choice; to be a mama to the baby growing inside me, or be a mama to the baby outside of me. I wanted to be the best mama I could be to both of you, so that has meant sometimes I’ve left you to play with daddy while I went to sleep. I didn’t want to but it is just so exhausting being sick all the time. I have come to learn that the feelings of shame, guilt and loneliness are part of the sickness. Also, the depression that comes with Hyperemesis. It doesn’t mean I haven’t gotten mad at myself, thinking ‘Why can’t I just push through this? What little moments am I missing with Emily today? How will I overcome the feeling of guilt, if this baby is unhealthy because I can’t give her what she needs’. The thoughts just swirl, I must constantly remind myself that this is temporary, and that I can find small little things to do with you during the day that won’t make me so sick.

I feel guilty that you have learned to rub my back while I am being sick. Even though I know you are just copying your daddy.

I feel guilty that you reassure me and tell me ‘it is ok’. You are only two years old, it should be me telling you it is ok, I am your mama, it is my job to look after you.

I feel guilty that you get me tissues, but at the same time, I feel immense pride that you care enough to do that for me.

I didn’t know I would feel immediate guilt as soon as I found out I was pregnant. The idea of you having to share me breaks my heart. I have loved every moment of these past two years, being just you and I, and I know it will be a massive adjustment for us both. You have taught me so much, how to love, and how to conquer my fears. Most of all you have taught me the true meaning of happiness. For two years, you have been my little shadow, my shopping buddy, my partner in crime and most of all my best friend. I know in my heart that none of that is going to change, but I am just finding the adjustment hard, and I wonder how it will affect you. I want you to know that I will make the effort to take time away from your baby sissy, to do just things just you and I.

I’m worried that the dark days I once felt will come back. I don’t want to be a sad mama again. It has taken so long to get to a positive place, a place where I feel like I can be the best mama to you. I want to carry on being the one who tells you everything will be ok, and believing my own words. For so long a dark cloud not only followed me around, but tainted everything. I worked so hard to get to this positive place. A place where I am happier, and I am so terrified of starting over. I have always tried so hard to shield you from my depression as I never wanted to imprint my behaviours onto you, and I am proud to say that I don’t think I have. This time though, your older, you notice more things than I take into consideration and that terrifies me too. I love that you’re so happy, and confident. I don’t want you to pick up anxious behaviours from me.

I am worried that you will think that you are being replaced. I never ever want you to feel that. I couldn’t love you anymore if I tried, and I know my love will only grow. I’ll be able to love both of you equally, but know that you will always be my baby too. Just because your becoming a big sister doesn’t mean that I love you any less, or you must act more grown up. You don’t.

I’m worried that things will change. I feel like we have just started to get out of the baby stage, and we are having more fun as a family. Life has found its balance, and I’m scared that the shift in it is going to change everything. Having two children is terrifying. At the moment, if you and I want to do something, then no problem we can. If we want to play with the sand, or paint, there is no other person to consider. We can just do it. That is all going to change, and while I know it will be double the fun, the adjustment period is the one I am worried about the most.

I guess I just want you to know, I love you. That you will never be second best, and while you are going to have to get used to there being another baby around, it won’t always be chaotic as I foresee the new-born days to be. I guess I needed to say this just as much for me as I do for you.

You will always be my best friend.

I love you, Mama. X