Being a mother does come with it's good share of ups and downs. There is nothing I wanted more in life then to become a mother, I wanted Emily for so long. It's no secret, and I'm sure I have mentioned it before while we were trying for Emily we sadly miscarried, not once but twice. Which was painful, heartbreaking and upsetting. However it has given me a new appreciation for what I do have. When I was pregnant with Emily I fort to keep her. I was lucky enough to conceive naturally, but that didn't mean it was all plain sailing. we had a scan every other week to check that she was ok. I had bleeding most of the way through my pregnancy, which scared me. I felt like I was loosing my baby, which was something I was absolutely terrified of. I must of done my GP's head in, I was back and forth constantly. Then there was the morning sickness! Where do I start, everyday from when I got up in the morning, till I went to sleep that is if I managed to fall asleep, I was sick. It was none stop all of the time. Not to mention the SPD pain, honestly it cant even explain how much it hurt, when I walked, when I did day to day household chores. There was never any let up. If people ask me, which they frequently do - 'are you going to have another?' my response is a quick no. Don't get me wrong, I would love Emily to have a sibling, and who knows maybe in the future i may change my mind, but for now it's defiantly a no. I think everything that happened is still to fresh, to raw to think about. 

How soon do you think is too soon to ask this question? Emily wasn't even a week old, my body hadn't recovered and I was being asked. All I wanted to do was enjoy Emily, another baby was the last thing that I was going to think about. All thoses people who tell you as soon as you have the baby you forget the pain. That's such a lie, you do remember. You may not be all that bothered because the end result is a gorgeous little baby in your arms, but it's still fresh in your mind. I would love another baby, however I'm not sure that we will have one. Different people have different opinions on what the right age gap is, for us i think a close age gap would be nice, because Emily would grow up with a sibling who is close in age. They may have a lovely bond, and be best friends but it might not be like that at all, there might be jealousy, or the need to compete with one and another. Then there comes the idea of a bigger age gap, to enjoy the first years with you baby, and not think about the second until the first is at school. Which seems to work well for most people, but personally I think if we did have another I would like a closer age gap. I think its because I have a close age gap with my siblings. 

It's not jsut the thought of what my body went through that puts me off, the main concern for me is my depression. I was so depressed when I was pregnant with Emily, I don't think it would be fair to put myself in that situation again. Especially when this time around I would have a baby to look after. I couldn't really look after myself when I was pregnant, let alone a toddler in tow. I think it would be really unfair on Emily, I guess most of the reason I'm put off having another is personal reasons, Emotional and physical strains. Props to the mums who have 2 or more children!

People make me feel bad about this decision all the time, I've not completely ruled out having another. I was looking back at pictures of Emily when she was a newborn, and I miss her being that small! I miss that stage, which flys by way to quickly. I miss having a snugly squidgy newborn, but I'm so scared of going through all I went through with Emily. It's terrible that people are pushing that question onto you before you even have chance to enjoy the one you do have. Then to guilt trip me, and make me feel like I was being horrible to Emily. Like she was missing out on something! "You can't have a only child, she will be lonely" or "that's mean, she will be unhappy being on her own". If Emily is a only child, then she will be happy, and loved no matter what. I don't think she will be lonely because she has a cousin who is going to be roughly 6 months younger. She will always have someone around. I think its such a shame worrying about whether she will be a lonely or not. I'm just going to concentrate on enjoying Emily. Obviously everyone has different opinions. What do you think is a good age gap? 

1 comment

  1. I totally get your reasons and it is completely your choice. Don't let others make you feel bad. It's your body, your life!

    I'd love another one though hit it's financially not doable yet :( xx


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