Feelings and emotions

Today is one of them days I hate. It's a really really down day. Everything seems to be going wrong, and I literally cant do anything about it, and I feel like no one is there to help. I wish things were easier. since we moved into our place we have had problem after problem. Are the council interested? no. I'm currently sitting in my lounge, with Emily, who is wrapped up in about 3 blankets because it is freezing cold! I can hear you saying it 'Put the heating on'. If only I could! I actually have the urge to take a sledge hammer to my boiler, maybe then they will come and fix it properly. I feel like the gas company are playing operation with my boiler. Since I've been living here I've had nothing but problems with it. It was capped when I moved in, like most boilers, and ever since the day they uncapped it, it's never worked. When I say I feel like they are playing operation with it, let me explain, It's had a new pump, a new heat exchanger, new washers, and we're now waiting for a new circuit board. I can tell you that when we do get that new circuit board, there is going to be more problems. There is air trapped in the system, you can hear it banging and clanking around. When I bleed the radiators, nothing comes out. I'm not qualified to fix a boiler, but I'm telling you I could at this point probably do a better job. I just want someone who actually knows what they're doing. If they've already replaced all of those parts and it still isn't working, perhaps it's not the parts and they need to actually find out whats wrong with it.

Love being a parent linky

I found this on pintrest and I just had to share it with you. As you all know being a mummy has its ups and downs. I seem to harbor a lot of guilt. Guilty that I don't spend enough time with Emily. Guilty that I don't do enough with her. Guilty that we don't go to baby groups. Guilty that I don't have enough patients with Emily. The problem is, seeing this just brought it all back to me. I don't need to feel guilty about these things. No one is perfect. I know that I am the best mummy to Emily that I can be. However knowing this and coming to terms with it are two completely different things. 

Before I was a mummy I never knew I would love being a mum. Before I was a mummy I never had to hold a someone still for jabs - which let me tell you make you feel so so guilty. I never looked into teary eyes and started crying myself. I never held a sleepy baby all night, just because I didn't want to put her down. I never got really happy over a little grin, or was really proud of the fact my baby could sit up by themselves. Being a mum is hard, it's the choice you make everyday to put someone else's happiness before your own. To teach the hard lessons, and make the right choices even when your not sure if the right choices are the right ones. 

There is so many things that I love about being a mummy, and I think sometimes it's important to remind yourself of these things. I think it is really important to remind yourself of a few reasons you love being a mummy or daddy, so I'm going to start a linky. I want you to link a post that makes you proud to be a parent, It could be a post on their achievements, progress or even snap a picture, it's completely up to you. Anything that makes you happy, proud or even grateful for being a parent. The linky will start on Mondays and close Fridays.

Please add my badge to the bottom of the blog post and link the specific URL to your post rather then the actual homepage. 
You can link up old or new posts.
I will comment on each one.
Please comment on at least two other blogs

Twitter hashtag - #lovebeingaparent


    An InLinkz Link-up

Tassimo Vivy review

I have always been a little bit addicted to fizzy drinks, and it is something I really want to change. I love hot drinks, but I really haven't got the patients to wait for the kettle, then make it, then wait for it too cool enough to drink. Especially when you have a clingy, crying, screaming baby who doesn't let you have 5 minutes peace. Then I saw the Tassimo machine. It's the first coffee machine I have seen that has tea pods! How amazing considering I'm not a massive coffee drinker, the fact it can do hot chocolate and tea really appealed to me. Another important factor for me was, I wanted a compact little coffee machine. I have a fair bit of work top space, but I absolutely hate having things on my work tops! I have a little bit of OCD when it comes to my kitchen.


*Please don't judge me for co-sleeping, It has took me a lot to post this, and I know not everyone has the same thoughts and opinions as me.*
This is a picture better half took without my knowledge when i was asleep he thought it was "cute". I disagree

After my not so perfect and very traumatic labour, I was transferred to the maternity ward, because I was unable to move, or do anything for my baby I was constantly calling for help when little lady needed something. It was one of the worst times in my life, I was literally unable to do anything for her, and I hated every moment of it. I remember the nurse coming in during the night, because Emily was crying for a feed and I wasn't able to reach and get her without pulling all my stitches or pulling out my drip. She picked Emily up, handed her to me and walked away. I called her back asking for further help because at this stage I was so dizzy I could barely see straight and I didn't feel safe. She turned and said to me 'You should get used to have baby in your bed, as soon as you go home she will want to be in bed with you'. Yeah right I thought to myself, I'm never going to co-sleep. We will not be those parents.

Baby group or not?

Yesterday, me and Emily met up with one of my friends, She's got a little girl who's two months older than Emily. So it was really lovely to see her, but it also is the first time that Emily has ever seen another baby. It's safe to say she absolutely loved it, she kept reaching out, and giggling, high pitch screams and giggles. It was so cute, and lovely to see. She had a really nice time, and when we got home she was exhausted. However, it has left me feeling really guilty.

There is a baby group about a 5 minute walk from where I live, it would be perfect for Emily, she could meet other babies, and it would be good for me to meet other people too. It all sounds perfect doesn't it? but it's not that simple. My anxiety literally stops me from taking Emily, I panic, over think it and end up not going. I've walked all the way to the door before and turned to come back home. I'm scared of the judgement that might not be made. I have no confidence when it comes to new people, I would literally be that scared mum sitting in the corner with their baby looking awkward. I promised myself that after Christmas I would try my hardest to at least go to a baby weighing group, I still haven't been. Chicken or what!

Weaning journey

Emily has been doing so well with trying different foods. Last week I mentioned that she decided that she wasn't going to have anything else but banana's. I'm so happy to say we have passed that stage. We have started to introducing lumps into her food, and she has been doing really well with that. Although we are spoon feeding Emily rather then BLW we have started to introduce some finger foods. This week Emily has been loving the banana biscotti's, She has also tried some Organix snacks too. These have to age range of 7+ months, and I know Emily is only 4 months, but she has been so confident in food, and is constantly grabbing what is on my plate I figured that she is ready.  She has tried quite a few new flavours this week.

she always manages to look so grumpy.

High chair review

Since Emily has now started weaning, we've been looking at various different high chairs for her. Now she has a lot better head control and can sit comfortably in her bumbo, we felt that she was ready for a high chair. Who knew there is so many different types, and how expensive they could get! Also I wanted something that was practical, style isn't a must for me. Like me you may have noticed that Ikea's Antilop is the preferred choice in many child-friendly establishments and your little on may have actually already tried the highchair. 

Winter walks

A couple of days ago we went on a lovely winter walk. If i'm honest it is nice to be out. I hate the rainy days being stuck indoors by myself, and it leaves me feeling depressed and lonely. Even if it is cold outside, nothing stops us going out, I just wrap up Emily warm and we go. I'm quite lucky because there is a massive country park about 15-20 minute walk. It is nice to have it so close to us, because there is plenty to do. Emily also got to go on the swings for the first time, she didn't really look impressed. She has a swing from when she was a baby, so putting her on the swings in the park she just didn't look bothered by it at all. Bless her. So i'm just going to share the photo's with you. 

Weaning journey

This week we've progressed to two meals a day! What a challenge that has become. Now we have over come one it's on to another. Emily has loved trying new foods. However while she has been trying new ones, shes found a firm favourite! She used to eat a variety of things and happily do so, but since she's tried banana's she seems to have come to a decision that if she hasn't got banana's then she isn't eating it. The reflux has continued to improve, she's barely sick now. The solids have actually improved everything, her mood is better, she is even sleeping better. Emily is loving Ella's kitchen products, massive thumbs up too them. She loves the mango and apple porridge, it is the only thing that she will have warmed. Everything else has to be room temperature else she creates and isn't interested anymore. I have been adding one of there first tastes little apple pouches to the porridge, just to give it that little bit extra taste. She will have a bottle at 8, then have her breakfast at 10.30. This has had a knock on effect with her sleeps, she'll happily go down for a nap about 11-1.

What Emily wore #1

I've linked up with Hannah from first time mummy to join in with weekend baby style. I hope to see you there too!

Leggings and top were a set from Next
Long sleeve vest from Tesco
Cardigan was hand knitted by Emily's Grandma
Uggs were a present from Emily's godmother

PND Fighting back!

Yesterday was the dreaded health visitor appointment. I absolutely hate them, It would be nice if I had a nice supportive health visitor but unfortunately I don't. Honestly I have such rubbish luck! I had a horrendous midwife, and now a terrible health visitor. Now there is a few reasons why I can't stand mine, One being she judges everything. I have post natal depression, yes we all are aware of this, but does it effect my parenting, no not really. I have down days, but equally I have postive days! I hit rock bottom, but I came back from it. When I did hit rock bottom, those days were terrible, Sam suffered, I didn't want to do anything, I just wanted to stay in bed. Depression is such a horrible thing, it literally takes over your life. Changes who you are, and hurts the people you care about. 

It didn't matter how much I tried to ignore the bad thoughts, something inside you just keeps them coming. I used to wake up in the morning, before Sam was awake, and think about what it would be like packing my bags and just leaving. I literally believed that Emily would be better with Sam and they would both be better without me. I felt like a terrible mum, I questioned everything, was I doing the right thing, does she love me, am I good enough? The truth was, I was wrong. Thinking back on it all now I know that every decision that I have made was for the best. I'm proud of myself for pulling myself out of the black pit. I can give in quite easily, but I actually managed to stand up for myself for a change. 

Fisher-Price jumperoo review

Emily got a whole selection of things for Christmas, but one of the things that she uses the most, and gets the most joy out of is her Jumperoo. Emily's nanny brought her the Fisher-Price sunny day's jumperoo. She absolutely loves it. In fact, I love it too because it clearly makes her happy and keeps her entetained while I get all my little jobs done. The thing I love the most is that Emily has something to look at no matter where she turns. 

Mummy meltdown

Isn't it strange where you draw inspiration from. it's funny I've spend my whole life hinding, being the loaner scared to make friends. The clumsy, outcast who would rather stick her head in a sketchbook then socializing. The truth is, I'm a really anti-social person, I never meant to be this way, it just happened. Infact I hate being this person, my anxiety always gets the better of me. I always looked for ways to get over things, to find a coping mechanism. It is actually a lot harder than you think. Blogging made me grow as a person, but I'm not so sure if I have really found my way.

My home is chaotic. My parenting skills are frowned apron by friends and family. Nothing in my life is picture perfect and I love it that way! There is so much pressure to have the most perfect blog, a clean perfect home. I recently realised I'm constantly looking for ways to better my life, but why am I? Why can I not just be happy with myself. I'm literally letting people influence my life and my opinions.


Do you ever feel like you've grown out of your friends? I can honestly count on one hand how many friends I have, and that doesn't always seem like a good thing. Some friends are only meant to hang around for maybe a year or so, while another friendship may last a lifetime. I have one friend who is literally obliged to be my best friend. We've known each other forever (literally forever, we grew up on the same street). I trust her with my life, and she's grown with me, We do have similar traits, and find the same things funny. However there are some people who I thought were my friends who clearly are not, for example they only talk to me when it suits them. If you scroll threw your news feed on facebook. How many 'Friends' from school can you hand on heart say you talk to? For me it's none. These people add me, and then don't talk to me. I get a happy birthday - but they clearly only know it's my birthday because facebook informed them so. I just don't get the point in it all?

There are obviously ways to tell that a end of friendship has arrived, it could be distance, or your both at different stages in life. I'd love to hold onto my best friend from school, but unfortunately that is just not possible - we evolve, change, things happen, life happens. 

I can hear it now, what made you start this blog post... well let me explain, due to the fact there is quite a few things that made this post happen. 

1. When I had Emily, I never announced that I was pregnant. Facebook did not know, therefore those 'so called friends' didn't either. When I gave birth to her I received a message that went something like this.. "how did I not know you were pregnant let alone gave birth!!! what the frick now that's saying hello we need to catch up." Clearly you didn't contact me for a whole 9 months - so why would I want to catch up now?

2. The 'friends' who knew I was pregnant, met Emily once when she was born and then vanished. It was like because I had a baby and they didn't I ended up not being good enough anymore. Just because I became a mother, doesn't mean I am any less Steph. 

3. The 'friends' who were mothers themselves and decided that I was now cool enough to join there little group - because I had a baby. That to me isn't friendship, and it's far to complex and clicky for me to even get my head around. I'm 22, I'm sure high school groups are way behind me.

4. The 'friends' who literally wanted to meet my baby and not me, then after they saw her for the first time, that was it. Never again.

I just don't get it. Being a parent has been one of the most amazing, scary, complicated, and stressful things that has ever happened to me, and I love every second of it. I just don't like the fact I feel so lonely. I literally get frustrated and annoyed at these posts on my facebook newssfeed. To the point that I actually go and un-friend people. Is that normal? 

Anyway, I am thankful for the two special girlies in my life, who never fail to make me laugh, always bring the wine and chocolates, and who are always at the end of the phone whatever day or time it may be. That's true friendship. Let me know your thoughts - do you think it is possible to outgrow someone? have you been through it yourself?

Weaning journey

Weaning is a difficult time, for both mummy and baby in my opinion. Emily is 4 months old now, although weaning isn't advised or nessasary till they are 6 months old, we've already started. With the constant screaming of weaning, constantly bringing up her food, and medication not working, we were at a bit of a loss. Emily was loosing weight and I wasn't quite sure where to turn. After speaking to my health visitor who completely was against starting Emily on solids (like it is her choice anyway?), Then came speaking to a GP, the GP decided that with the reflux, and loss of weight it might be a good route to take if we felt that Emily was ready. I think when it's your own child you just know when they are ready for these little milestones. When it comes to milk, Emily has maybe 6oz every 4 hours, Which she bashes her head around during the feed, and is just not interested at all. I think she may have associated her bottles with being sick. She would happily not have it if she wasn't offered it. However she is crying out because she's hungry. When me and Sam sit down to eat, she's constantly reaching out for our plates. She's interested, She actually put her hand in our dinner and then took it straight to her mouth. In my opinion that's enough signs that she's ready. Of course because of her age she can't quite hold herself up, She can sit up but she needs that extra support, she can hold her head confidently and comfortably. Emily is also trying to pull herself up from laying down, so we feed her in her bumbo, or her highchair that we recently purchased and she loves!

4 month update

Today Emily turned 4 months, where has my baby gone? It has gone so fast. 

You can follow us on Instagram to watch her grow.

I haven't actually got Emily weighed since the last update. She is due to be weighed on the 7th, so I will let you know. I'm pretty sure she is gaining weight. She has also gone into size 3 nappies.

Happy new year!

2014 seemed too fly by for us. It was a bit of a roller coaster but I have to admit it has been one of the best years! Granted it has tested our patients, brought tears as well as happiness, but most importantly it brought us our little girl!

In March we found out that we were expecting a little girl, throughout my pregnancy I kept saying that it was a girl, but to actually confirm that I was right was one of the most amazing and happy moments of the year for me. I've always wanted a little girl, someone who I can go shopping with, and will be my best friend. I never had a close relationship with my mum, so I wanted to make sure that i had a amazing one with my daughter. Safe to say, she's my best friend already!

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