my mood diary

I know I've been missing for a while, I abandoned ship when I had Emily, Came back for a short while and then disappeared again. I have missed blogging, I do miss my blog, but things just haven't been feeling the same recently. I've become this hermit, stuck in my little depressed self. I thought going back on medication would help. I know it really isn't a magical fix, but it's worked for me before, It balanced me out. However this time it's different, I tried it, gave it two weeks with no joy. They doubled the medication, And again it made no difference. I started these tablets to make things easier, I realized the other day, I was taking the medication to control my life, but somehow it's ended up controlling me. I was depending on them, and getting frustrated when they were not working. Then it was making me want to take more. Which isn't going to fix the problem, It can also be a really bad road to go down.

I decided to go cold turkey. Which probably wasn't the best idea, It's made me even more anxious even though I didn't think that was possible, It also made me feel really dizzy, and I had a really bad stomach aches for a few days. Things seem to be settling down now. I don't think I am going to go back to the doctors, They never seem to help. All to easy they just prescribe anti-depressants. There is no other support offered, It's literally a case of take the medication and see you later. I used to be addicted to popping pills. Paracetamol mainly, If I felt down, If I had a headache, If I was anxious. I know that paracetamol isn't going too help me, It is a pain relief, and the pain I had was in my head. It was all emotional problems. Some people cut, Some people harm themselves in other ways, Some take tablets, and some actually completely loose all hope and end up killing themselves. It angers me to high heaven that people class these people as selfish. What right do we have to judge anyone? Being stuck in your own head, with no way out, and feeling trapped constantly is hell. It doesn't matter how many people you surround yourself with, you still sadly feel lonely.

I just wanted to say Hi, To explain where I've been. I think I'm back now, But we shall see. Life is tough, Raising Emily, While trying too look after me. The most important thing I need to remember is I am not alone anymore. I'm fed up of hiding, And being judged by health visitors, And doctors who haven't a clue what goes on in day to day life. So what if I have a day where I don't want to get dressed, I stay in and feel sorry for myself. I have my little girl by my side, Sometimes, It is ok to have down days. I know in my heart I would never harm myself because when I look into her beautiful blue eyes - there's hope.

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