Mothers day is always a day I struggle with, for many reasons, one being that I miss the babies that are not here with me. Of course I am thankful that I have Emily, and that I am growing another baby, so I do try and embrace it a little more. Motherhood is tough, so recently when I was asked what being a mother meant to me, by Ollie and Leila, I spent a little while thinking about that.
Motherhood means waiting, as soon as you see those faint positive pregnancy lines, your whole world is completely changed, no longer is it just you. Its that feeling of pure happiness and joy, mixed with a little terror that nine months from now, there is someone else to think, consider and worry about. It's the huge relief that follows when you see your little baby on the screen for the first time, and hear that little heart beat for the first time, after many losses - that in itself felt like a massive achievement.
Motherhood is about being responsible for someone else, and making choices even when your terrified of the outcome. Picking a name, birth plans, pain relief, feeding methods and all the things you forget to think about. It's that feeling of unbreakable, instant, indescribable love that you feel when you finally hold your baby in your arms. It is a moment that you will never forget, its the moment you know it was all worth it, and that you will never love anyone as fiercely, as you do right then, with them in that moment.
Motherhood is about functioning on no sleep. Those moments where you think you will literally collapse on the bed and sleep for a week, but somehow you get up to feed your little one, or reassure them after a bad dream, more times than you can remember. You see two, three, and four am daily, and that's fine because you love that little person, and it all seems worth it. After all its going to be the nights where you get no sleep, that you remember when you look back in ten years.
Motherhood is about being psychic. Literally. Somehow you just know what your baby wants and needs. Each cry, whinge or scream means something different and after a while, you find your groove and you know what each one of those is. You know the difference between a feed cry, and a tired cry - and once you have cracked that, it feels amazing!
Motherhood is about worry, the agonizing nine month wait to meet your baby. The worried nights where you sleep on their bedroom floor because they are poorly, and you lay awake just to listen to them breathe. Every cry, sneeze or cough and your by their side. Its knowing that no matter how far away from you they are, even if its just the next room, you will constantly be worrying about if they are ok, and if they need you.
Motherhood is about pride. Watching them hit all their first milestones, and bloom into their own person, with their own personality. It is being proud no matter what they do, because they are your child. It's the moments you sit their watching them play, wondering how you made someone so beautiful, and perfect. It's the laughter and giggles that fill your heart. It's the pride you feel when they come running to give you a big hug after not seeing you for half the day, knowing no matter how tired, or stressed you feel, that to them, you are the only one that matters.
Motherhood is about patience. Learning to bite your tongue and explain the right way to do things when they get it wrong. It's having a cold dinner, because they need your help. It's about sitting there for an hour while they eat dinner to realize they have only ate a couple of mouthfuls before they declare they actually don't like it. It is giving in and letting them watch teletubbies (or whatever program is the flavour of the week) over and over again, even when it drives you crazy. It's drinking pretend cups of tea, and singing nursery rhymes all day long, even if that means when you go to bed, it's all that is in your head. It's doing whatever it takes, to see them smile.
Motherhood is about the overwhelming, immeasurable, unconditional love that you never stop feeling. It's knowing that no matter what you do, so long as you try your best they will love you. It's knowing that your kisses have magic healing powers, and to them you are the world.
Motherhood is about being everything they need you to be. It's being a best friend, a mum, a cleaner, a cook, a teacher, a nurse, father Christmas, the Easter bunny and a hundered other roles. It's making sacrifices, doubting yourself, and being the best version of yourself for them, because that is what they deserve. It is a lifetime of worry, guilt, and a million other emotions. It's the scariest, biggest, wildest, and happiest rollercoaster ride you will ever be apart of.
Motherhood is amazing, its full on and you don't get a minute to yourself, but it is worth every moment and I wouldn't change it for the world.