I'm Done..


Postnatal depression is brutal, it takes something from you that it never gives back. Today I woke up, and I couldn't get up. I wanted to, I knew I needed to, yet I just couldn't. I'm so fed up of fighting a war with myself that I don't seem to be winning, I feel stuck, and helpless, frustrated and scared. It's like a never ending vicious circle that I seem to have less and less control over. I know that I'm back in that dark place again, surrounded by dark clouds I can't shake. I feel like I'm being judged by everyone, and that no matter how many times I try to reach out to someone, I know no one will understand, so what is the point?

I feel like I'm not enough, I'm not doing enough, or trying hard enough. I feel lonely and isolated. I feel like nobody cares and I know that isn't completely true. I know I have people right there, if I just let them in, but it isn't that simple. If you've been in a dark place before, you'll know that once your pulled in its so hard to find the light again. I wish I had the words to explain it, to explain how I feel and whats going on, but I just can't... find them.

You will know (if your regular readers), I've been struggling for a long time with depression, what you may not know is, for a while its been kicking my ass, sure I have been fighting back, but its so hard. In my mind I want so badly to shake it, but yet still these clouds hang over my head. You know that part in Frozen (Emily's current favourite film) where Elsa gives Olaf his own little flurry, and it follows him around wherever he goes. It's like that, except hes so happy to have it and needs it so he doesn't melt. For me, I can't shake it and feel like it is making me melt. It's destroying every good moment I have, every little positive doesn't seem like that much of a achievement because the clouds are so dark. Does that even make any sense?

A lot of people don't understand depression, they just think it's something you need to get over and cheer up. Life can't be that bad surely. In all honestly, no it's not. I have a beautiful little girl, who is happy, healthy and starting to develop her own little personality. I have a supportive partner, a roof over my head and food in our fridge. So why am I struggling so much?

Most day's its a war inside my head, even if I'm smiling, laughing, and genuinely there in the moment - it's trying to creep in. It's so hard to try and explain what it feels like. All I know is it absolutely consumes you, these dark clouds (like Olafs evil flurry) come fluttering in, and they don't leave. I have been told to look at the positives in my life, but what you don't understand is I really am trying, and it's on those days where I'm fighting my hardest, and somedays its so bad, I just want it all to stop. For one second I wish I could breathe without the darkness.

I feel like its changing me, its taken more of me, than I have taken from it. It's changed me into this person who I don't like, and hate most of the time. I feel like I've ruined friendships, and said things I can't undo. I feel like I'm pushing away the people who are genuinely there for me, and I feel so guilty for bothering people with my problems. I don't want to be a burden on anyone else, I just want to get through...

I'm done feeling so helpless.
I'm done waiting for the clouds to disappear.
I'm done hating the person looking back at me in the mirror.
I'm done feeling like I'm missing so much of my daughters childhood.
I'm done feeling like I'm there, but never present.
I'm done with the mood swings, and uncontrollable tears.
I'm done with the sleepless nights, and feeling like I have no control over my life.
Most of all, I am not done fighting.

These days the only person who seems to get a genuine smile from me, is Emily. I'm always present and their for her. I make sure, no matter how hard it is to get up and go, I get up. Without knowing it that little girl is my rock, the sunshine in my dark clouds.

As your reading this, your probably judging me, or maybe that is just my mind telling me you will be, but please don't. 
I'm so scared I'll always feel this way, I'm scared that people will see me the same way I see myself at this moment in time. I know it's the 'depression' talking, but please, try not to jump to conclusions about what I'm going through..


To Sam, Please be patient, I don't mean to take it out on you, but your the closest person to me, and without you I don't know how I would make it through. I will find a way to pay you back for your kindness and support. It can't be a easy task supporting someone with depression, but it's times like this, when I'm at the darkest, I see just how much you care.

To my babygirl, I'm sorry if I am not good enough, I'm trying my best, and sometimes all I can be is ok. I do really hope to be the mama you deserve. 

To my best friend, thank you for being my family, for standing by me in my darkest days and telling me how much of a fool I am. I can never repay you for all of those years you stood by me.

To those select few who I let in, Thank you for listening and just being you.

3 comments

  1. I promise you you're not being judged! You are an amazing mother to Emily (from what I can see) and she is so lucky to have you :) I can't pretend I know how you feel because everyone is different but I promise you that cloud won't always be there! I know it's hard to open up but I'll always be a listening ear xx

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  2. Sorry to hear your feeling like this. I've been reading your blog for long enough to know you can fight this and you will fight this. Hug Emily and Sam tight and keep going xxx

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  3. no one is judging you - I'm sure. No one worth knowing anyway my love. Keep fighting - you're an inspiration to others going through this. CHarlie xx

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