It has been two weeks since I wrote my post 'I'm done'. I have been really working on myself and pushing myself to do more things that would set off my anxiety. That may sound a little strange but the only way things are going to improve is if i reach outside my comfort zone and try it. Of course I am still really anxious, but the main thing is I'm doing it! I thought I would share a little update with you, just on my mood and things that I'm super proud I have managed to achieve lately, not because I want someone to say well done, but because I know there are other people in the exact same position as me. For those people, I want to show you it can be done, and you can overcome it, slowly.
Last week I plucked up the courage to attend the UK parent bloggers picnic, which was held in Bedford. It was arranged by another blogger (Donna), and full of lots of people who I had spoken to online, but never actually seen in real life. I was super anxious to go, as a situation like that is one of my worst nightmares, but I did it. Another one of my friends Carla, met me just before we walked up to the rest of the group, which helped massively because I didn't feel so anxious. I had a lovely time, and Emily did too. She really enjoyed running around with the other children, and had a blast playing with Toby, (Hannah's little boy). It was so lovely to see Toby and Emily together, as me and Hannah were pregnant at the same time.
(I purposely blurred this picture for the other children's privacy)
We went to toddler group! This was a very last minute decision on my part. I have been to toddler groups before, but always with someone else. I have never attended on my own as even the thought makes my stomach do flips. For the longest time I have had mum guilt about not taking Emily to baby groups. I have questioned if it will effect her relationships/friendships when she starts school. I have tried to go to baby/toddler groups before, but I always got to the door and turned around. Today I was determined I would take her. I got us ready, and set off. I actually went into the toddler music class, by myself. I didn't have any friends to lean on, and I knew nobody.
Emily had the time of her life, and she really enjoyed herself. It may not be a big deal to many, but to me its huge. I have been struggling for as long as I can remember, especially in group situations, but today I did it. All of the mums were grouped off, and nobody spoke to me, but it was fine. I actually didn't mind, as it meant I had the time to watch how much Emily enjoyed the session and how well she got on. When we were walking out the door after the session had finished, she looked at me and said 'Yay Mama'. She said it because I opened the door for her to leave, but to me it meant the world because I actually opened the door and took her into a situation that terrified me for the first time - and she shined!
This week we met up with Mabel, Martha and Nichole. Emily had lots of fun playing in the park with Martha, and it was a boiling hot day. I normally put off meeting up with people, not because I want to but because I plan to far in head and the whole thing makes me anxious. It was really good to see Nichole again and have a normal adult conversation, although we did spend most of our time running after the girls, and trying to keep them in the same place! It did sadly end in tears as Emily fell and bumped her head, but all in all it was lovely, and I am determined to make more of a effort to get the girls together.
I also took Emily to the park for a picnic and met a new friend Helen, and her little boy Mason.
Now while I have highlighted all the good things, there has been two days where I haven't wanted to go out, and we have had pyjama days because it was too hot. Also because I felt really anxious, but all in all, I think I've done well. I'm writing this so I can look back and remember that even when I do struggle, I can push through.
P.s... PND.. I have got the control back, well at least for now but I do intend to keep it.