Our PND Journey


I denied the fact I was pregnant until I was about 20 weeks, I wanted a baby so bad, but after three miscarriages, finally falling pregnant definitely took its tole on me. Pregnancy is, of course a emotional time. Mood swings and the general expectation that mums to be are supposed to be happy, over the moon, full of excitement and anticipation. This however wasn't me at all, I spent my days in denial, and having anxieties that things would go wrong with my pregnancy, I wouldn't be good enough, and I genuinely believed I wouldn't be good enough for E. All of these feelings, combined with the fact I had stopped taking my medication for my depression meant I got diagnosed with Antenatal depression.

I tried to speak to my midwife and I was shot down. She made me feel like crap. which made it seem like my feelings and concerns weren't valid or accounted for. During pregnancy we are seen twice monthly, we have all of these different antenatal checks, but thinking back were you ever asked how you were coping emotionally? or even given the opportunity for your voice to be heard when you did try and discuss your negative feelings? To say the least I was left feeling isolated and inadequate! Which in turn made my depression worse, and it made it harder to open up to Sam.

After a stressful pregnancy, being in and out of hospital with preterm labour and other things, I didn't think it could or would get worse. Little did I know that unexpected little gift that was waiting for me when I had Emily. After going over my due date, I crumbled in the waiting room of the hospital, someone had cancelled my consultant appointment and I didn't know what was going to happen, I was consumed with anxiety and had the worse panic attack I have ever experienced in my life. This was when the midwife finally listened, and the consultant took it out of her hands. She booked a appointment for me to be induced and listened to me sob, she warned me I would be at high risk of postnatal depression and apologised for the fact I had battled my antenatal depression my whole pregnancy on my own. Especially because I had a history of mental health problems.


Emily entered the world at 16.38 on September 12th, I didn't meet her for a whole 2 1/2 hours which contributed to my post natal depression massively. She was already weighed, dressed and fed before I even met her. She was beautiful and perfect but a stranger that I didn't get those first moments with. My depression kicked in almost instantly, I felt relief that she was born, that she was safe but I was overwhelmed with guilt. I should have been with her in those first moments and I wasn't. I feel like I let her down.

Emily is now 17 months, she's beautiful, happy, perfect and my best friend. Our journey has been hard, bonding was difficult and the anxiety has consumed me more than I would like to admit. My PND journey is far from over. I have my down days, I still suffer massively with anxiety and cannot bare to be away from Emily. The important thing is I can now see a light, that light that was stubbed out when i was pregnant, the feeling of no hope, and no end to the hurt is coming to a end. I'm getting stronger and more stable everyday, and I wouldn't be able to do that without the support of my hubs, and my beautiful baby girl.

SportRelief is supporting ‪#‎maternalmentalhealth‬ - please share your story using the hashtag #mumtalk.


9 comments

  1. Awwww lovely, huge massive hugs. I am so sorry that your midwife didn't take your concerns seriously (I have had a horrible experience with a midwife too). You sound like such a lovely, strong woman that I wish you all the best wishes in the world that you can be happy.

    Gemma xx

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  2. that is such a beautiful picture. Thanks for sharing such an honest post. Midwives need to understand just how what they do and say affects people x

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  3. It's so sad that you went through your pregnancy without the right support. I was really struggling up until 20 or so weeks this time and my midwife didn't listen to me either, luckily for me, mine was more about how poorly I was with sickness and migraines which was really getting me down so Phil and mum taking more responsibility of Toby really helped. It's wonderful that you're being so open about your experiences, it will help so many people xxx

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  4. Thank you for sharing such an open and honest post. When I had my emergency c-section (and was put to sleep) this was the thing that hit me the most, not hearing her first cry, not being the first to hold her etc. I felt I was robbed of a special moment that all mothers look forward to. I think that was something that attributed to my PTS and anxiety. It was another reason I chose to have an elective c-section with my son, I wanted to be in control but above all awake!

    It's horrible you didn't get the support you needed. My midwife was very supportive second time round as she new of my previous mental health issue (something your midwife really should of clocked on too!) and was very reassuring.

    I think your story will help others, so thanks for sharing xxx

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  5. Sending you the biggest, gentlest mama bear hugs. I think it is horrendous that you haven't had the support you have needed. There is a bravery in asking for help when you think you need it and to be unheard is the height of cruelty. We hear you mama, and we are here for you. Looking back I was never diagnosed but I often had a really heavy cloud over me in my last pregnancy and I've struggled a lot since Edith was born, it's better now at 13 months, but she has been a hard baby to cope with! H xxx

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  6. Thank you for sharing your experience. It is frightening that provision of the help and support for mental health before and after birth is so inconsistent. It is heart breaking to read that you have had such inadequate treatment. It is so important that we keep talking about month health on the same terms as physical health. I have a member of my family with serious mental health issues (not maternity related), I feel we've almost seen the worst and best of mental health service provision. I really wish you well with your journey with your recovery. Thank you again for writing this!

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  7. That's awful that you didn't get the support you needed and I'm so sorry to hear you had to go through that.

    Gorgeous picture.

    Laura x

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  8. It's so sad that you went through your pregnancy and felt that way and I guess that would have contributed to your PND. I know that the road is long but there is an end in sight, just keep going x

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  9. Awww bless you. So sad that you went through your pregnancy with such lack of support. Thank you for such an honest post and for raising awareness of PND x

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