I don't know if this blog post will get published but I need to just vent. I'm really struggling at the moment, for me January is the hardest month, everything is settling down and returning to normality after Christmas. There is floods of people wherever you go because of the sales, this means I end up avoiding town, or busy places because I can't deal with crowds at the best of times. I'm usually pretty good at picking myself up, dusting myself off and getting on with it. Something about this time is different and I can't figure out what it is.
This 'slump' has been going for nearly 5 weeks now. That is 5 weeks too long. 5 weeks I've had sleepless nights, and anxiety attacks for no reason. I've cried more in these past weeks than I care to admit, and there is absolutely no reason behind the tears. A simple question like 'what's wrong?' reduced me to tears, because I don't know whats wrong. I have so many reasons to be happy but I'm just not and I can't explain it. I wish I knew what was wrong, I wish I could explain where the darkness is coming from but I can't.
I've lost my routine, everything is just a blur, I get up, give Emily her breakfast, do our teeth, get dressed and go through the motions. Before I know it its bedtime and I feel like I have done nothing with my day. I'm so tired all the time, and I know that is because I'm depressed. I need to find that bit of inspiration, the glimmer of hope to know that its just a dark patch. I don't want to go back to the person I was a year ago, hiding in the house because I didn't want to, or feel brave enough to go out. Even though I know I'm sliding, I can't seem to do anything about it.
I'm fed up of the fake smiles. I want to be happy and enjoy my life. As Emily is getting older, I am becoming more aware of the things she is noticing. We all know children learn through play, Emily will often watch me cook dinner, and help me bake. Since we brought her a kitchen for Christmas, she has taken it apon herself to get my baking trays out of the cupboard, to put in her little oven because she wants to copy her mama. While I think its adorable, and it does make me laugh. It made me realise just how much she pays attention even when I'm not aware that she is. Children copy their parents in order to learn, I am with Emily day in and day out, so it is no surprise her favourite saying is 'oh dear' which I say every time I drop something or I'm repressing a swear word.
I don't want her to copy my anxious behaviour, my little traits are things I definitely don't want her to pick up on. I have been medication free for 2.5 years, but maybe its time to go back on it, because something has to give. I want to be a good role model, know that when I am smiling its genuine, and that I am happy. I want to know what happiness feels like, to enjoy those little moments without this darkness surrounding me. I want to be a good mum, and I feel like right now, in this moment. I'm not.
After writing this I phoned my doctors, to be told that I can't get a appointment until March, looks like I'll be holding out for another month then..