Depression is hard, just when you get to a place where you are happy and content it all comes crashing down again. I hate down days, they annoy the hell out of me, but I don't have no say or control of them. I have had to learn to take the good with the bad, and muddle through as best as I can. I found a good balance of this before I had Emily. It didn't matter if I was down for a day, a week or even a month. I could let it pass, run through the motions I suppose. I can't do that anymore, I have to put on a happy face and be the best mama I can be. I've come to realise, although PND may be gone (I think), I will never be free of depression. I have had depression long before Emily and it will always be there.
When I met Sam, I was a shadow of the person I am now. I depended on him completely, for emotion support, to protect me from the night terrors that haunted me as soon as I closed my eyes. I couldn't go out by myself through fear, I couldn't handle crowds - to a extent I still can't. I muddle through but they still make me uncomfortable and anxious. Now that I have Emily I have become a stronger person, may it be mothers instinct but I have to protect her and be the strongest person I can be. It does make the existing depression worse in a way. I am a mum, every single decision I make has a consequence. Be that for me or her. Every day is different, there will be a new challenge, more worries, bigger pressure, and new experiences.
I am ready for that though, I have found a way to muddle through, writing journals helps, and self care is important. I need to remember that, rather than pushing my feeling aside I need to listen to them and deal with them. I am going to document everything in my journal, all my worries, goals, achievements and struggles. I am going to be the best mother I can be, and nothing will hold me back. Especially not depression. So why am I writing this? well the answer is for me, to remind me that I need to keep going and keep bettering myself.