Anxiety & Me


It has dawned on me lately that I'm not coping, I always shrug my bad days off and then crack on with the jobs, or playing with Emily. The day to day things that get you through, but while she was napping today, I had no housework to do, no random little jobs. For once I was just sitting there with my choice of program, (yay no iggle piggle!) and my thoughts. On Sunday night, I though I was over the anxiety of being away from Emily. I ventured out just to the shop which is a 5 minute walk there, and 5 minutes back. So I would be 15 minutes tops, she was with her daddy, and she would be fine right? No that wasn't the case at all. I ended up getting to the shop, with my mind it such a mess because I couldn't cope being away from Emily, What if she needed me, what if she fell and hurt herself, why did I leave her, She's my responsibility I shouldn't have left her with someone else. Now before I get masses of comments telling me she is Sam's responsibility too, I get that, but it isn't that simple. She is my daughter too, I miss her when we are apart. I wanted her for so long that it doesn't feel right to leave her with someone else, I want to be with her all the time, and I'm just not ready to be apart from her. I ended up having a full blown panic attack at the shop. I forgot half of the things I wanted. I ended up walking home in tears, mad at myself for panicking, mad at myself for leaving Emily, and confused.

Why is it so hard to be away from her? I want to be able to leave her with her daddy so they can have there time together, but I can't. I can sit in a different room from her, but I can't leave her. I'm ashamed of myself for being this way. I want to get better, and I want it to get easier but it just isn't. Emily is 9 months old this month, and I haven't been away from her. I just don't know what to do. Emily is in the best of hands when she is with Sam, she is safe. There is no one I trust more than Sam, so why can't I leave her? Why am I so terrified. I know it will get better, it has to get better, I realize that I have come a extremely long way since I had Emily. When she was born I wouldn't be in a different room from her and I was constantly worrying. I am a little better now, but I am no where near ready to leave her with someone else. I'm worried she wont miss me. I'm worried she won't notice. I'm worried she will be sad without me. Sometimes I feel like I need me time, but then it dawns on me. I need to be with Emily more. The constant guilt and anxiety is just a little to much for me at the moment. I hope that it passes soon.


4 comments

  1. I'm so sorry you're struggling lovely, but the fact that you can see that your fears are largely unfounded is a good sign because your head is ready to work through them. Just take small steps, start by going to the garden then off your property altogether then to the shop or somewhere but try each step over until you're okay with it before you move to the next step. You'll get there lovely because you know in your heart that you have to xx

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  2. I think a lot of women go through this. I know at least one person who had counselling for it. You are not alone xx

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  3. Oh Steph what an honest and heartfelt post. I can imagine how hard it must be and I think it's something that a lot of mums struggle with. In some ways I struggle with the opposite because I feel guilty that I can just leave my baby, albeit with family members, and that sometimes I need a bit of a break. I'm sure that with time it will get easier, and you will get there because you need to, for both of you. I wish I could give you a big hug! xx

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  4. You know where I am, if you need me. I understand :) xxxx

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