Our Angel Babies, & A Rainbow Baby.

This is something I haven't spoke about on my blog before, not because I didn't want to, just because I didn't know how. So please bare with me. I'm feeling a little fed up and frustrated if I'm honest. Lately I am getting a lot of questions regarding the possibility of baby number 2. Emily is only 8 months old, there is no way I am thinking about another just yet or maybe ever. I went through so much to conceive Emily. I had 3 miscarriages. 6, 7 and 11 weeks. It broke my heart, it still does. I remember the pain, the fear, I thought I would never be able to conceive a happy healthy baby. I wanted a baby with every fibre of my body. After all the pain, I was lucky enough to conceive my little rainbow baby.

I remember so clearly having the conversation with Sam. We hadn't long been engaged, everything felt so right between us. It's true what they say, when you know you just know they're the one. So I bravely asked the question, "can we try for a baby?" Much to my dismay, Sam thought it was a little bit too fast, but after about a week or so of thinking it over, he decided that we should try, and that it wouldn't be a bad idea to be a little family. I think maybe I just caught him a little of guard, after all becoming parents is a big thing, something that changes you. I had only just turned 21, and I was determined that I would have a little baby, it felt right. Then we had our miscarriage which knocked us both for six, there is no way I was expecting to lose our baby, I don't think anyone does. Before I miscarried I didn't really know what kind of impact it would have on someones life, let alone my own. I remember the pain as if it was yesterday, that is something I can never forget, I can also remember the fear and hurt in Sam's eyes. He didn't know what to say or do, and just cuddled me which actually did help. The thing is we know how it feels to lose a loved one, but a miscarriage is different, it's something you're unable to prepare for. There is no physical person infront of you, I can feel the baby and Sam has feelings towards the baby because it's his child too. However to others there is no attachment or feelings towards the baby, they haven't met them or felt them. So how can they possibly know how you are feeling? How I felt? So we decided that we should stay silent, and keep it a secret, but then that makes you feel isolated and lonely.

We had been trying for 6 months when we had our first miscarriage, as soon as I knew I was pregnant, and we got that positive on the pregnancy test. We both loved it. I made plans for my baby, imagined what they would look like, what I would do with them when they were here. I started looking at baby clothes and talking about baby names. Even though we only knew for a couple of weeks, the excitement had built up. That little baby growing inside me had put its little footprints on my heart, and Sam's too. Our baby had a heartbeat, that was my son or daughter. A lot of doctors and people talk harshly about miscarriage so early on, they dismiss you with 'you can try again and have another baby'. So insensitive, I didn't want another baby, I wanted that baby, our baby! There was no sympathy, or recognition of the feelings you should rightly feel. It seems like a harsh world. I was broken, devastated and depressed. My baby that I had so many plans for died. Gone. Forever. I laid there curled up in a ball, crying and feeling helpless. There was nothing I could do, I was losing my baby in a bloody and painful way. There was nothing anyone could do, there was just no baby. Not anymore.

I didn't want to share my grief with anyone else, so both me and Sam kept it to ourself. After 4 months we fell pregnant again, we weren't trying, we were still grieving for the baby we had lost. I tried not to get my hopes up, 6 weeks passed and I started to feel better. I had it in my head once we passed that it would all be ok. We could get to meet our bundle of joy, hold him or her in our arms, and be a little family that we wanted so much. Sadly that wasn't the case. At 7 weeks the pain returned, I recognized it straight away. I went to the toilet terrified to look down, but when I did there was so much blood I just burst into tears. It happened again, I lost our baby. This brought on so many different feelings. Was it my fault. Did I do something wrong? Could I have prevented it? Would I ever be able to have a baby again? Like me, Sam was just as devastated, and we struggled through together. I hit rock bottom, and came back from it, feeling optimistic, there must be a way for us to have a baby. I was against going to the doctor as I knew exactly what they would say until I've had 3 miscarriages that doctors won't do any tests to find out if there was something wrong with me. We struggled with grief, and decided not to tell anyone once again. It would be so much harder to deal with when we would have people constantly asking 'how are you' or 'are you ok'. I didn't want our babies to be a secret, but they were ours. Mine and Sam's. They weren't here for anyone to see, and I felt like a failure and a let down. I didn't want the sympathy because I felt like I didn't deserve it. 

When we fell pregnant for the third time, I didn't get excited, I was in denial. What if it happened again, I couldn't cope with another loss. Another baby who I failed to bring into the world. More heartache. 6 weeks passed and I was terrified. 7 weeks passed and I was even more scared. From then on I started to feel a little optomistic, It would be ok, I would get there. This baby would be born! His/Hers little angel siblings must be watching over Him/Her. Sadly this wasn't the case. At 11 weeks I miscarried. It broke me worse than before, not because this pregnancy meant more than the others but because we got further. I was getting ready to go to the doctors to get my pregnancy confirmed. We were so close to seeing our little baby on the screen for the first time, we would get to hear that little heartbeat but it got snatched away. This time I couldn't keep it together, I didn't want to keep another baby hidden. The grief was too much. I decided to share the devistating news with some family and close friends, which I quickly regretted. Some people were lovely about it. I got told they were 'sorry' and it was 'sad'. That was nice of them, to care about my feelings. There was also some not so nice comments, ones that hurt me, still hurt me to this day. One of the worst things I got told was 'don't worry you can have another baby'. I DIDN'T want another baby. I wanted THAT one. I wanted that little baby who was growing inside me. That was a little person, my little person, our little person, mine and Sam's. Even if it wasn't a baby to other people. It was for us. I wanted to tell the world that my babies mattered. All 3 of them because they do. Just because my pregnancies were 'early loss pregnancies' doesn't mean they should be dismissed or they didn't hurt as much. I lost my child. My son or daughter. I never got to see them. I never got to hold them. My child died, no matter how far along in pregnancy, it still matters, my child still counts! Our babies were somebody to me, and to Sam, how could they say 'don't worry' of course we were worried.

The whole of my pregnancy with Emily I was terrified, when we hit our milestone 12 weeks pregnant I wanted to shout it from the roof tops, but I didn't tell many people, just close family, because we were terrified we would lose our baby. At 16 weeks we has a private scan, and found out it was a girl. I was overwhelmed with emotion, for so long I denied I was pregnant, I didn't want to admit it in case I lost her. We named her Emily, and she was our hope. I hadn't got this far in pregnancy, and although I was excited and hopeful that this time it would be a success, there is always that niggling doubt in your mind. This niggling doubt absolutely destroyed me, I felt like I couldn't relax, and I wouldn't until our baby girl was born. I fell into a depression which I struggled to get out of. I went through all of the stages. Did I deserve her? Would she be better with someone else? Was there a reason why I had our previous miscarriages? Although I felt depressed, I knew I would be a good Mumma, and I wanted nothing more. I felt like we deserved our little rainbow baby. After all the heartache, don't we deserve to finally get a little baby at the end?

 Emily was born on September 12th and it was difficult. She was born not breathing, and I was terrified that it would stay like that. I was unconscious and couldn't find out what was going on. It was hell in my mind. How could I cope with another loss? How could I cope losing our baby girl who we named, who I carried for 9 months, who I felt kick, who I felt on my tummy when she was delivered? I couldn't lose her. What would I say to people? What would I do with all of the beautiful things we had brought for her? Why wasn't she breathing? What did I do that was so wrong? I should have pushed harder. She shouldn't have got distressed. I was trapped in hell for about a hour maybe a little longer. Luckily I got to meet our beautiful baby girl, and she has completely changed our life. There is parts of me that are sad because I missed those first moments. I didn't get to see her weighed, or see her cord get cut. I didn't hear her cry and take her first breath. I didn't get to feed her or hold her first, Sam did that. All of those things aside, we had our rainbow baby, the child that we thought we wouldn't ever get. The baby we longed for, and wanted more than anything else in life. The baby I am so protective over, and I fort so hard for her so why shouldn't I be protective right?

My family and friends know the pain we went through, and how many babies we lost. I had a terrible pregnancy with Emily, and a rough labour. Although I hurt, I was thankful for that pain because it meant we got a healthy baby. I met my child. My family make me feel guilty about not having another baby, I have been called selfish, and told that Emily will grow up lonely. I will always put my daughters feelings before my own, and I would never want her to be lonely. What happens though if the worst happened? If we had another loss, I ended up in such a dark place before, I was depressed, upset, grouchy, touchy and hurt. Sam felt all of it too, it was just as hard for him. I am terrified of it happening again because I don't want to feel that again, but also because I do not want Emily to have to put up with a grumpy, upset, touchy mummy. It wouldn't be fair on her, and she may not be old enough to understand what was going on. How does that make me selfish?


I linked up with..
Maternity Matters~ GhostwritermummyBrilliant blog posts on HonestMum.com

9 comments

  1. I'm so very proud of you for publishing this Steph, your very brave. Miscarriage and loosing a baby/babies is so insanely difficult. Don't listen to anyone about more children it's yours and Sams decision! Emily could never be lonely she has all the love on the world a sibling wouldn't alter that! Plus she has Penny to play with! love you lots xxx

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  2. That must have been hard to press the publish button, but thank you so much for doing it. You are a great mum and Emily will never be lonely. :-) x

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  3. You've told your story so well. I think drs just get desensitised. Unless you've been there though, you have no idea what it feels like. It's so very very painful and you never forget that fear. Lots of love xxxx

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  4. This is a great post and an important one for you to share. I suffered 2 years infertility before my son and then a miscarriage at 8 weeks so I can understand your fear. I am now 8 months pregnant with my 2nd baby and looking forward to it. But it is your decision whether you have another one and noone should judge you for that. Just focus on enjoying your gorgeous little girl xx

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  5. Thank you being brave and sharing your story. You have so much and only you will know when it is time to try again. I lost 2 when my rainbow girl was between 18 and 22 months and she really has no memory of it. I think she was good therapy because she happy and just wanted to play. No asking questions. I am extreme lucky that we had our little boy the end of last year. I hope that with time you will figure out what is best for you and your family. Xxx

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  7. Thank you for sharing your story. I understand your pain and fear all to well. We experienced 10 miscarriages before deciding enough was enough. Each one was devastating. The hardest part is the destroying of hope. For many those blue lines on a pregnancy test mean excitement but for people who've experienced pregnancy loss they are the start of a fear filled journey. I can imagine how scary your pregnancy with Emily was and why you don't want to go through all that again. Did the hospital ever do testing to see why you miscarried? We had lots of tests and treatments. There might be answers for you. I'm delighted that you have your baby girl. She is a precious miracle. Ignore the people who say upsetting things. Sadly they just don't understand. Xxx

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  8. Brave lovely, very brave. I also suffered a miscarriage before Jack, and was so scared my whole pregnancy, and like you, people are obsessed about asking about baby no.2 . I know exactly what you went through and thankyou for being brave and sharing xxx

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  9. Oh bless you. I am so sorry its taken me so long to read and comment. Sharing your story is incredibly brave, so thank you. I know that losing a baby, at any stage, is devastating and for it to happen more than once even more so. I also know what it is like to miss the first moments of your baby's life so I won't tell you to forget it etc. You have been through a very difficult experience and a traumatic birth so there's no wonder the question of when you're having another upsets you so much, People don't always understand. I'm here if you ever want to chat!
    Thanks for linking up to #MaternityMatters x x

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