PND: The light in my life

Depression is hard, it is one thing I feel like I have been at constant battles with throughout my life. I was doing so good up until now, and I really hope that this is just a blip. All it takes is one thing to throw a stone in the river of calm, and that's it. Months of work undone, the sleepless nights come back, the loneliness, the never ending mood swings and the tears that wont stop falling. It's like a ripples from a stone, they seem to go on forever. Tonight I ended up snapping at Sam, my one constant support, my rock, and the one person I find myself taking for granted the most. It's hard when you love someone, when you know that no matter how much you push them away they will still be there. You would think you stop pushing but you don't. I wish I could. I wish I could explain it but I can't it just hurts, its numb, how can I possibly explain something that I don't even understand myself. 

It's 1am, and I've spent the last hour sitting on the floor in Emily's bedroom next to her cot watching her sleep, Why? Because I'm so frightened, I'm scared I will loose her, that I will disappoint her, or fail her. She has been such a good, and positive thing in my life. I would never take her for granted, and I know that no one could love her as much as I do. However there seems to be this niggling doubt in my mind, doubt I'm not good enough for her, and some one else could do a better job than me. Now don't get me wrong. I DO NOT WANT THAT. I want her by my side forever, I love her unconditionally, and I want build memories with her, but I really don't want to let her down. I have so many reasons to be happy, and yet still the depression wins. It's like a never ending battle, one I feel like I am never going to win. I have to win it though, I don't want Emily growing up remembering that her mummy was sad. I have so much to be happy for.

"I could stay awake, just to here you breathing, watch you smile while you are sleeping, while your far away and dreaming. I could spend my life, in this sweet surrender. I could stay lost in this moment, forever. Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure, I don't want to close my eyes, I don't want to fall asleep because I miss you baby, and I don't want to miss a thing."

I feel lonely, and depressed but then that leads me to feeling like I am being ungrateful. I went through so much to get Emily, I had losses, I had a terrible pregnancy, and a not so straight forward labour. I missed the first hour or so of her life and I don't want to miss anymore. That's why It is bugging me so much. I am missing stuff while I'm spending my days feeling depressed. Today I have no motivation, I went through the motions and followed the routine because that was the easy thing to do. I laughed and played with Emily, but in my mind I knew I wasn't ok. I know I am strong enough to beat this, to pull myself out of a slump, but It is so hard. I feel as if I am a prisoner of my own mind, and keeping all these thoughts and feelings inside is making it worse. So yes I am rambling, because I decided the best way to get over this, was to write it and let all of those feelings go. 

The problem is, I am good for a while, I talk more, laugh more, sleep and eat normally. Then something happens when I least expect it, It's like a switch turns off somewhere and all I am left with is the darkness in my mind. Each time it seems like I sink deeper and deeper. I am scared, terrified that I wont make it back up. I feel like I am grasping for air, screaming for help but everyone just looks at me with confused faces. Wondering what I am struggling over, when they're all doing just fine, and it makes me feel like I'm crazy. The thing is, I need to remember there has been a shift, a change of direction. I had a baby girl. A healthy, happy baby girl, who has become the light of my life. It doesn't matter how much that darkness tries to take over, I will always have my light, and that's her. I have a reason to keep going, a reason to fight, and boy I am good at fighting. I know I will be ok, I have to be, I'm a mother, and that's a hell of a lot stronger and more important than being a depressed, scared, lonely person.


8 comments

  1. I've never suffered depression but I can only imagine how tough it is and hope that writing it down like this helps you air it out and hopefully overcome whatever feelings you have at the moment. Being a mum can be so overwhelming and really changes us as a person! It's tough but your doing a great job! Thanks for linking up #MummyMonday hopefully see you again tomorrow!:) Alice- host x

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    1. Thank you, sometimes it's just easier to get it out there. x

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  2. I agree with a lot of what Alice has said ^^. I know writing down like this really helps and I will always only be a text away whenever you need somebody to listen :) lots of love to you and Emily xxxxx

    thankyou for joining in with #mummymonday - love Gemma - host xo
    www.sunshineonacloudyday.co.uk

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  3. Such an honest, brave post. Your a superstar mama just for the way u detail your love for your daughter. Don't let the negatives make u forget. Love will always win & you sure have a lot of it so keep strong & moving forward. I have suffered with extreme anxiety & find exercise & writing my blog so cathartic & energising when an attack is intolerable. Running adds a different adrenaline to the fear feeling of depression That consumes u when your having a bad day or week. Maybe something to consider as a tip from one fighter to another 😘

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    1. Thank you, It's really nice to hear someone say that you can see how much i love her. I find exercise helps to, I want to get back into running, but its so hard with having the anxiety and fear of leaving her. I'm going to get there eventually. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who fights it. x

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  4. Such an honest brave post. You are doing great, just remember that. #mummymonday

    babysausages.blogspot.co.uk

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    1. Thank you!! Means more than you know x

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