PND Fighting back!

Yesterday was the dreaded health visitor appointment. I absolutely hate them, It would be nice if I had a nice supportive health visitor but unfortunately I don't. Honestly I have such rubbish luck! I had a horrendous midwife, and now a terrible health visitor. Now there is a few reasons why I can't stand mine, One being she judges everything. I have post natal depression, yes we all are aware of this, but does it effect my parenting, no not really. I have down days, but equally I have postive days! I hit rock bottom, but I came back from it. When I did hit rock bottom, those days were terrible, Sam suffered, I didn't want to do anything, I just wanted to stay in bed. Depression is such a horrible thing, it literally takes over your life. Changes who you are, and hurts the people you care about. 

It didn't matter how much I tried to ignore the bad thoughts, something inside you just keeps them coming. I used to wake up in the morning, before Sam was awake, and think about what it would be like packing my bags and just leaving. I literally believed that Emily would be better with Sam and they would both be better without me. I felt like a terrible mum, I questioned everything, was I doing the right thing, does she love me, am I good enough? The truth was, I was wrong. Thinking back on it all now I know that every decision that I have made was for the best. I'm proud of myself for pulling myself out of the black pit. I can give in quite easily, but I actually managed to stand up for myself for a change. 

Emily was two months old when I got diagnosed. Although I felt like Emily would be better without me, I literally battled myself to be there for her, I didn't want to miss her, or for anything to spoil our relationship. I think rather then pulling away from her, I over compensated and have ended up being glued to her. She's everything to me, and I don't want to loose her. However this has it's downsides too, I feel like I can't leave her alone. I don't want to leave her alone with other people. I don't trust others. The thought of leaving her alone makes me panic, and makes my anxiety rocket. This is a seperate issue that i'm seeking help for, because I don't want to be a over bearing, over protective, clingy parent. I adore being her mummy, and I want to be able to go out, and meet other people with babies who are a similar age to Emily. I think it will be good for her, but my anxiety is holding me back. These situations scare me.

I have so much more patience with Emily now that I came off my medication. They were making me more depressed if that is possible. I was also tired, and slugish making me very short tempered when Emily was having a bad night. I don't want to be that person, so I decided to come off them completely against my GP's advise. I love watching Emily grow, seeing the cheeky little smiles develop and watch her learn new things. If I am completely honest, she is the main thing that keeps me going.

When the health visitor came around today, she made me fill in a sheet, I've filled in so many of these now I actually know the questions off by heart, I skimmed through it, answered them all. After I was finished I realized that I actually lied, I didn't reply to them at all. The health visitor was happy with the results, but I feel deflated. I shouldn't have to lie just to get them to back off, because I am off my medication doesn't mean I am going back to the old me. I am stronger, and I know the signs. I have people around me now that I can trust, people that I can talk to to make feel better. Too help me. 

Here is too never giving up, and being the best mum I possibly can to Emily.

4 comments

  1. I'm so sorry for what you are going through, can you sign up for CBT or to see a councillor. I saw a councillor after a hugely traumatic birth with my first and it helped me so much, sending so much love x

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    1. I tried counselling and it didn't really work for me, at least I tried. Blogging seems to be helping, and the fact that my partner is so supportive. I think with time we will get there :). Thank you for hosting and stopping by. xx

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  2. I think you have the greatest thing that will get you through all this, awareness. When you have awareness you can change and you will go out and meet other Mum's and beat your anxieties. Good Luck Zena's Suitcase Zx #brilliantblogposts

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    1. Thank you, i really hope that i eventually get through it. :) Thank you for stopping by x

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