Feelings and emotions

Today is one of them days I hate. It's a really really down day. Everything seems to be going wrong, and I literally cant do anything about it, and I feel like no one is there to help. I wish things were easier. since we moved into our place we have had problem after problem. Are the council interested? no. I'm currently sitting in my lounge, with Emily, who is wrapped up in about 3 blankets because it is freezing cold! I can hear you saying it 'Put the heating on'. If only I could! I actually have the urge to take a sledge hammer to my boiler, maybe then they will come and fix it properly. I feel like the gas company are playing operation with my boiler. Since I've been living here I've had nothing but problems with it. It was capped when I moved in, like most boilers, and ever since the day they uncapped it, it's never worked. When I say I feel like they are playing operation with it, let me explain, It's had a new pump, a new heat exchanger, new washers, and we're now waiting for a new circuit board. I can tell you that when we do get that new circuit board, there is going to be more problems. There is air trapped in the system, you can hear it banging and clanking around. When I bleed the radiators, nothing comes out. I'm not qualified to fix a boiler, but I'm telling you I could at this point probably do a better job. I just want someone who actually knows what they're doing. If they've already replaced all of those parts and it still isn't working, perhaps it's not the parts and they need to actually find out whats wrong with it.

Too add onto more stress, Emily had her jabs today, and now shes groggy, upset and tearful. I feel like rubbish because I've been told by the gas company they're not going to come today, we have to do without heating and hot water for tonight, and they're is nothing more I can do. I have phoned all the appropriate people and I'm getting the same response wherever I turn. To say I have had enough is a understatement. 

My depression isn't getting any easier, since coming off my medication I do feel more up and down, and it does make me realise just how much I did depend on them. I don't want to go back to them though, because they just make sleepy and I can't control my mood swings. I feel like i'm stuck in a black hole. I am finding it increasingly harder to talk to people, how can I explain to someone what is wrong when half the time I don't even know what is the matter? I'm becoming the person I hate again, the one who is scared of crowds, who can't stand shops because there is too many people. If I could stay in 24/7 I would. I promised myself that I wouldn't do this, that I would get out there more, and I am really trying but I feel like i'm slipping back. I feel like I'm not good enough for Emily, I want to be the best mum I can be, but I feel like being depressed is stopping me being that person. I think I'm going to see my GP, and go back onto different medication. Hopefully they'll help. 

Sorry for my ramble, but I just really needed to get it all out of my system. Hopefully the boiler will get fixed tomorrow, but it's still bothering me that they wont bloody do anything tonight. I'm definitely going to be making a official complaint! 

2 comments

  1. Hey Steph,

    I am so sorry to read this and not be able to give you a hug. I know it won't fix your boiler or help you feel better but I have to say, I relate to so much that you have written here. It's absolutely disgusting that nobody is helping you out with the heating especially when you have a tiny little bubba there with you. I am not surprised because in my experience, baby or no baby, when you need something fixed or looked at nobody cares when you most need them to. Its ridiculous.

    All day today I had to force myself to gather up enough energy to feed the kids and clean them but all I wanted was to curl up in bed with a pillow over my face than to carry on pretending to be super happy and to own up to feeling so crap and low. I know this is not going to help you feel better but I just wanted to share that so you know that behind every smile, there's a host of emotions. Some good, some not so good.

    Sal xxx | UmmBaby

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  2. Really hope you get your boiler fixed soon. Sorry to hear that you are feeling down. Remember that Emily loves you :) x

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