Birth experience


The 7th September was a big date for us, we anticipated it, I thought about it non-stop, it made me anxious, and nervous and excited all at the same time. Much to our dismay it passed by with pretty much nothing happening, because my due date was on a Sunday I was booked in on the Monday to see my consultant if nothing had happened. Monday came, I took my very pregnant self to the hospital, in tears because I could no longer take the pain, the discomfort and stress of baby E being late. I had a sweep on that Monday to be told that I was in fact 2cm dilated. Frustration set in when I heard this. It seemed to be going so slow. The consultant Liliana was absolutely brilliant, she listened to all my worries and concerns, and booked me in to be induced on the Saturday. I wanted Emily to be born, and I was at the 'Get this baby out' stage, but I really didn't want to be induced. I wanted it too happen naturally.

I have written about my birthing experience, and the unexpected events that happened. However I'm not so sure that I will ever post it. While it has been really therapeutic writing about it, and getting it all out. I don't think I have quite accepted what happened. It helped me to process things, and also filled in a lot of blanks for me. Most of my labour was a haze, and the things I do remember weren't very nice. 

Friday morning I arrived at the hospital, with contractions coming thick and fast. Most of them being in my back - OUCH!! honestly it is the worst pain I have ever experienced. I later found out that the reason for all that back pain was because Emily was back to back. During my labour the room soon filled up with people, who debated moving me to theater but decided it was to much of a risk for Emily who was distressed, and also me because of the amount of blood I lost. I don't want to go into much detail because I don't feel ready too yet.

This is the only picture that has ever been put on social media of the 3 of us. It's also the first time I met my baby.

 Emily was born on Friday 12th September at 16.38, naturally. She weighed 6lb 13oz. The whole labour was about 18 hours, and I did it on 2 hours sleep. The thing that haunts me even now, is how little I remember. When she was born, she was grey. She wasn't crying, she wasn't breathing to my knowledge then I passed out. I didn't get to meet my daughter for over a hour, I missed holding her, I missed feeding her for the first time, I didn't see her being weighed, or Sam cutting the cord. Excuse me while I sob my heart out.

All these things I wanted to see, but never got the chance to. I lost to much blood, and as a result of that, I missed the bits I so desperately wanted to see. The main thing is she is happy, and healthy and beautiful. Missing those first things has made me really clingy, and I don't want too leave her with anyone else. I struggled with uploading pictures of her to social media sites, and it is something I'm still really struggling with. Hopefully one day these things will fade. The delivery suit was amazing, and the staff were so helpful. As soon as I got moved I felt like I had been abandoned. I got placed in a bay on my own. There was no one on hand to help me. I was exhausted, emotionally, and physically. They sent someone to come and take blood who failed miserably, and 3 hours later they successfully got blood. That first night with Emily was hell. All I wanted was Sam. I couldn't move, I was in agony, and I was so drained because of the amounts of blood I lost. Emily was crying, there was no one to help me, and there was nothing I could do. I reached for her like every mother would, and ripped all my stitches. When morning came, as soon as Sam arrived, I was pushing for discharge, Thankfully I got it. 

Fastforward 3 months, Emily is striving. We've had our ups and downs, and our problems along the way, but we got there. Thats the important thing, right?

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7 comments

  1. You're so brave writing about a not so amazing experience. I lost a lot of blood too and felt I couldn't bond properly the first few days. I hated leaving her for ages but luckily now 1 year on its so much easier. Xx

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    1. Thank you, It's hard when you really struggle with bonding :( Luckily It's starting to get easier xx

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  2. I'm so sorry you had such a traumatic birth. I've been there twice before and, like you, it is the small things that stand out alongside the huge things (like my baby almost died...) such as my son being alone whilst he was resuscitated and nobody being with him while I was out cold. I've never seen any of my babies being weighed or their cords cut as all have been sections, although last time my husband went with the midwife which I will always be grateful for.
    I can understand why you don't feel able to publish your birth story and why photos are hard for you. It takes time. I started blogging after Luka's traumatic birth and it was a good few months before I could write it all down. I still cannot talk out loud about it and he is 5 years old. But, and it sounds like a cliche, time really does help. And talking to women who've been through similar helps too. I joined the Birth Trauma Association's Facebook group and have found it to be a place of great comfort when I need it most.
    Thank you for sharing, and for linking to #MaternityMatters x x x

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    1. Thank you, It has been a tough time but we are slowly getting there. I think that the whole thing has made me closer to her, but i honestly cant stand being away from her. Like you when Emily was born she wasn't breathing. I wasnt there to hold her for the first time, and unfortunately it's left me feeling guilty even though i know its something that is beyond my control. Thank you for stopping by xx

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  3. Giving birth is hard in so many different ways. Everyone's experiences are so different. Due to an emergency C-Section I also missed lots of those things. It's hard that you feel so guilty. Emily is very lucky to have such a caring mum.

    Thanks for linking up to #birthstory

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  4. Sorry you had a such a terrible time. Lots of your experiences mirror my own and it's an all too familiar story! It's a shame you passed out, I was just too drugged up on pethidine to notice what had happened. As long as she's here safe and healthy, I hope you've recovered too, mentally as well as physically. The emotional journey is much greater than the physical one xx

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  5. I'm so sorry you had such a tough time, it's been 2. 5 years since I had my son and I've only just written about it. For a long time that's all I could focus on though now I see my cheeky toddler and it fades away and I'm just thankful that we are both here to see toda. Time does make it easier xx

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