My mood diary


Things have been very hard emotionally. Since Emily has been born I have really struggled with knowing how I feel. I love her, she's gorgeous, and I was so scared that I wouldn't be able to bond with her. However I was very relieved that I didn't feel that way. Emily is now 7 weeks old, 8 on Friday, and it's just starting to kick in. I suppose its a mixture of having a baby, a not so perfect labour, and the moving. Then not to mention all of the various problems that we have faced since moving in. I have to admit it has really took its tole on me. I knew I was going downhill, I am loosing interest in things, and finding it really hard to get motivated. I don't want to get out of bed, I am also struggling with Emily. I felt like no matter what I did it wasn't good enough. 

I'm fine when she is awake, I guess that's because I'm busy, I seem to be occupying my time with things, jobs that need doing, housework, washing, decorating. You name it I've done It. Then it hit me, while I was sitting there looking at her asleep in her swing. I'm not myself, I've not been enjoying my days, I've been getting through them with masses of jobs. Jobs that may not need doing but in my head I feel like they do. Sitting here looking at her asleep in her swing, content and relaxed the loneliness and confusion kicks in. I'm supposed to be happy, loved up with this gorgeous little bundle of joy that we created. That I longed for. Instead in alone, confused, angry at everything and wondering where to turn. I'm so scared of being judged. What if I admit it to my doctor or health visitor. What if they don't understand, or try to take my baby away. That is the last thing that I want. I know deep down in my heart that I can be good enough for her. I can beat these moods. I know at the moment I feel like I'm just going through the motions, Watching the clock for the time when Sam walks through the door at 5 so I can hand her over, and cry to myself.

I finally got the courage to ring my doctors surgery today. This is about the 5th attempt. I accept defeat to easy, find out there is no appointments and give up. Not this time. I want help, I need help. I know I do because I have been here before, sliding and spiraling out of control. This time I am not going to let it get that far. I'm determined. So I asked to be put on her call list, When she rang me I found it so hard to be honest, To tell her how I felt, but I did it. I did it for Emily - She deserves a mummy who doesn't fake her smiles, a mummy who doesn't suffer in silence because they're scared. She prescribed me another prescription for anti-depressants. She thinks that they will help level everything out. It's so frustrating to me that they will write out a prescription and send you on your way with no second thought.  What I needed most was reasurance, support that everything was going to be ok, that the bad moods will lift eventually, and i'll start to feel better in time. Instead I'm left with a box of tablets, and a lot of what if's.

Instead of just sitting there, being lonely and depressed I'm turning to my blog, because I know that this makes me feel better. Getting it all out on paper or even on here makes everything seem some how clearer. This is my mood journal, and I'm going to stick with it, I know I'm struggling now, but looking back I've been worse. The hardest part is done, I admitted I needed help..

Steph 1 - Depression 0.

2 comments

  1. You are completely right, the hard bit is admitting you have a problem and addressing it. You have done that :)

    Being a mum is hard. It is emotional. It is draining. But it is so rewarding. It's perfectly normal to feel a bit lost and blue, no-one will take a loved baby away because a mum is struggling sometimes. I have to agree with you, what you need is reassurance and support, medication will help you get in the right head space (I always find anti-depressant meds give my head the break it needs from itself but won't solve the entire problem on it's own - if you know what I mean!) Have you joined any local groups? Baby massage, stay and plays etc. either at your local church or childrens centre? Getting yourself out and about will help and seeing Emily enjoy these things too (which she will!) will help make sure that you do drag yourself out of bed and do them each week.

    Just remember, Emily loves you and you are her whole world. She needs you and she is more than happy with how you are doing :) xx

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, I've been on medication for depression before, but when i found out i was expecting i went cold turkey. i struggled but i did ok. I find the medication balances me out a little, the highs ain't so high and the lows ain't so low - if that makes sense? I'm not feeling confident enough to join baby groups.

      Thank you for your kind words! xx

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