Anxiety & Me

This blog post is completely out of the blue, but it is something I want to talk about, and I think will help me if I write it all out. When I first started this blog, It was more for my own personal escape then anything else. I wanted a place where I could ramble away, I could let it all out. Now I know all too well that this world that we live in isn't always a very nice place, People can be judgmental and hurtful with thier comments I'm well aware of that. I myself am one of those people that takes everything to heart, Even if it wasn't meant in a horrible way, it effects me and bothers me no end. I'll stick a smile on my face but deep down inside it is eating away at me. I've had a lot of good and bad feedback regarding my blog, I find what I do put on here is just a 'little part of me'. You see the bits of my life that I want you too see. Honestly, if I am having a bad day, then I tend not to blog, but I'm questioning why I do that. After all this is my blog, It really doesn't bother me if 1 person reads it, or none at all.

I wanted to address something that has really been bugging me, something that is a huge anxiety trigger for me. I know people may think this is something lame, but to me it is something I really struggled with. Social media is massive this day in age. People put there whole life on twitter, facebook ect. That's lovely if your confident enough to do that, or you're comfortable with yourself. For me that isn't the case. I have twitter, but I have it purely for my blog, to meet new friends, none of my family know I have twitter, just like none of them know I have this blog. However on Facebook I'm friend's with all of my family. I haven't uploaded any pictures of Emily onto facebook, When she was born I was so shocked at how many people wanted to upload pictures of my daughter. I was still in the hospital, my phone was flooded with text messages of congratulations and well wishes. I had my beautiful baby next to me, I was feeling exhausted, and vulnerable, and to be honest very overwhelmed. I found myself panicking about photo's of Emily. Family came to visit and naturally took photographs of Emily, after all they were very excited, she's the first grandchild and the first great grandchild. 

To me pictures are personal, especially newborn ones. Other people may disagree, and if they're comfortable sharing them with the world, that's completely their choice and I wouldn't judge anyone for that. However for me, I had a bad labour, I passed out due to the fact I lost so much blood, Emily was born at 16:38 and I didn't get to meet her till 17:50. I didn't see my baby for over a hour, She was weighed, and cleaned, and dressed and even fed before I had seen her. This is something that I've really struggled to come to terms with, they're moments that I am never going to get back, Moments that I have no memory of, and it hurts. I feel like I have a whole in my heart where that memory should be. In effect I don't remember my daughter being brought into this world. Sam made sure he got a picture of her being weighed, and there is one of him feeding her, and another of him cutting her cord. All things that I really wanted to see but didn't. The important thing is that she is here safe and sound, but that doesn't mean it hurts any less. 

I was still in the delivery suit when my family came to visit, It was roughly 7pm when they came to meet Emily. My nanna was going on holiday the following day, and she really wanted to meet Emily before she went, so the lovely midwifes agreed and let them come up. At that point I would have agreed to anything because I was that tired, Sam took Emily to meet my family, who all took photographs with her, and then brought her back, the whole time she was gone I was panicking, Even though he was with her, I didn't like being away from my baby girl. The pictures that they took of Emily, I hate. I know that hate is a strong word, but inside me there is a bit of anger that they came so soon, and hurt because they got photographs with her before there was even one of me and her together. These may all be little trivial things, but they all add up to one big hurt. 

My mum is very much a Facebook addict, you can see what she's doing all day everyday from her Facebook, Like a lot of others she likes to check in at places and update her status. Something that I really don't understand myself. Naturally she wanted to upload pictures of Emily, I quickly said no, and you would not believe the amount of upset it cause. The reason I said no, was because I felt like I had no time with her, I hadn't bonded with her properly yet, I hadn't spent time with her, or even fed her at this point. I should be the one that shows her to the world - that is mine and Sam's job as parents. It quickly spirals out of control. One of my main anxiety triggers is not having control of things, I like to know what is happening, when its happening and be prepared for it. I love my routine and without it I turn into a clingy mess of a person. 

If I allowed my mum to upload pictures, then the rest of my family would want to, then Sam's family would. It soon becomes tens of people uploading different pictures, which I then have no control of. If I felt uncomfortable with a picture of my child on their Facebook there is nothing I can do about it. I cannot make Facebook remove it. Even reporting it you have to give a reason, and that isn't a valid one. Facebook have said so (which I strongly disagree with). The person who uploaded it is the only one who can remove it. If I uploaded one, then everyone else would follow suit, can you see how it will quickly spiral? 

This in effect effected my blog as you may understand, I originally said I didn't want any pictures of her on here. I was to anxious to even think about it properly till now. I uploaded a picture of her for the first time on Friday, and surprisingly I was ok. However I know that I wouldn't be ok if it was pictures of Emily in the hospital, or of her when she was a couple of weeks old, and I think that is because it's still a sensitive topic for me. I don't know if I will be making a regular thing of putting pictures of her on here, but what I do know is I can control it. It is my blog, and If I want to remove it, I can totally do that. I'm proud of my little girl, of how far she has come. I want to be able to show her off, but at the moment I'm taking that slow. If you think this is a load of nonsence, then please keep that to yourself, because it is something I have struggled with for a while, and i'm quite sensitive about it.

2 comments

  1. I totally understand and you have a perfect reason to not want other pictures to post pictures of your child. I had a horrible labour and recovery too, always around if you need to chat lovely :) xx

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    1. Thank you for all your love and support! Finally feel like i am in a better place :) x

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